The Roadblock Within: Why Caregivers Don’t Ask for Help.

As noted in the annual Fact and Figures report recently published by the Alzheimer’s Association (https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/facts-figures), the number of people in the U.S. living with Alzheimer’s Disease is now over 7 million. Over 12 million people are serving as non-paid caregivers for their loved ones with dementia and the level of anxiety, depression and other health problems experienced by these care partners remains very high. In addition, many of these caregivers report feeling isolated and alone in their attempts to care for their loved ones even though the importance of seeking help and support in caregiving is urged by all dementia care professionals and organizations.

One of the main reasons caregivers don’t reach out for help in caring for their loved ones is FEAR. Many messages in our culture reflect the belief that we should be independent and that if we are not equipped to do something alone, then we are weak and we are failures. Believing that we should go it alone as a care partner is an extension of this kind of thinking which quickly sets up an internal roadblock to asking for help. This invariably leads to the isolation and health problems noted in Fact and Figures above.

For us, personally, we experienced the beginnings of burnout in our first year of caring for Mom because we thought our professional backgrounds gave us everything we needed as care partners to succeed on our own. We were very wrong about this and needed to see that our fears of weakness and inadequacy were not roadblocks preventing progress. Instead, such fears were hurdles that can be cleared in two steps that we encourage you to take:

1.  Within Yourself:  Acknowledge that you can’t do it all alone and recognize that asking for support and assistance does not reflect an inadequacy or weakness in your character. This can be very difficult depending on your self-esteem history but learning to apply self-acceptance and identity independence skill sets can lead to increased self-confidence and reduced anxiety and depression as you reach out to others. (See Chapters 8 & 9 in A Caregiver’s Well-Being for the developing these skills.)

2. For Yourself: Begin to build your own Caregiver Support Continuum made up of family members, friends, local dementia care experts, professional medical and mental health providers, care partner support agencies, phone hotlines, dementia education programs and support groups. (See the Caregiver Resources page on tomanddonnafinn.com) It is vital to know that you are not alone and that you can find help and guidance as you walk with your loved one on the care partner road ahead.

As a caregiver, when you use these steps to clear the hurdles of fear that stop you from asking for help, the doors of support, knowledge and connection open up to offer you the tools you need to better find balance and master caregiving stress. As you work within yourself and for yourself, you will always be growing toward doing your best for your loved one.