On Hobbits and Caregivers: Frodo, Sam and True Rings of Power
Summertime is a great season for reading. Whatever our preferred genres, we can more easily find those extra hours to catch up on the unread books that been in our “To Read’ pile for months. This summer I, (Tom), took a shot at my “To Re-read” stack starting with J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings trilogy and discovered that Tolkien’s characters from over a century ago can teach us important things about the challenges of caring for someone with dementia. In hindsight, I wish I had done the re-read during our years of caring for Donna’s mother as she lived with Alzheimer’s Disease and vascular dementia.
As a woefully brief Lord of the Rings plot summary, The Hobbit, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King tell of the fellowship among hobbits, men, elves, dwarves, and wizards in the fight to free Middle Earth from the growing darkness of Sauron and his evil ring. Sauron’s ring – the One Ring to Rule Them All – is not in his possession due to events that have spanned thousands of years, but he is close to recovering it and, if he does, all the people and creatures of Middle Earth will die or be enslaved. The One Ring is now in the possession of hobbit Bilbo Baggins who gives it to his nephew Frodo who learns that the ring must be destroyed so Sauron can never use it again. Frodo leaves his peaceful home in the Shire and struggles to carry the Ring through many perils toward its destruction in the fiery lava of Mt. Doom.
Two caregiving themes reverberate through the books:
– The power of choice in the service of others.
– The power of relationships in bearing even the most difficult challenges.
Choice
Early in the book, The Fellowship of the Ring, the wizard Gandalf has joined Frodo in The Shire where he tells Frodo about Sauron and the true, evil nature of the Ring. Having had the Ring for many years, Frodo senses the darkness on the horizon and says,
“I wish it need not have happened in my time.”
The looming heaviness that Frodo felt in learning about the Ring mimics our feelings when Donna’s mom was diagnosed with dementia. We felt sad, worried and even angry that this was happening to her. It seemed unfair and we had little idea how we would integrate the increased caregiving demands into our already busy lives.
Looking back, it would have helped us manage the stress and heaviness of that time if we had been able to understand our experience through the wise lens of Gandalf’s response to Frodo:
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Gandalf clearly is feeling the same sadness, fear and frustration that Frodo feels but can recognize that the way ahead is to make conscious choices in responding to circumstances and, in doing so, working toward the acceptance of present realities. As care partners, such an outlook does not remove the experience of grief, pain, uncertainty and loss that lies ahead, but it can set the foundation for coping with it and learning to find deeper meaning in the midst of it.
The Moment of Choice
As Frodo’s story unfolds, the representatives of the good inhabitants of Middle Earth come together at the Council of Elrond, the chief elf. Here they struggle to decide who will take the Ring to Mt. Doom and destroy it so that Sauron may never again wield its power. Initially Frodo does not want anything to do with it, but then somehow finds the courage to say,
“I will take the Ring…though I do not know the way.”
So where did that curveball come from? How did Frodo go from just wanting to rest in safety with the Elves and his Uncle Bilbo to a willingness to bear such a heavy and uncertain task? The answer is that his choice was rooted in love – love for his people and his Shire. This love is what continually allowed him to bear up under ongoing fear, exhaustion, and hopelessness and make daily decisions to carry the Ring forward.
Caring for a loved one with dementia has these kinds of Frodo Moments. After the initial decision to embrace the ring of caregiving, you soon learn that it is made up of daily decisions to tend to your loved ones’ medical appointments, financial decisions, personal care, food planning, errands, estate planning, end of life care, etc., etc. Each time that the weight of responsibility becomes difficult to bear, you again find the strength to decide, “I will take the Ring.” It can be a grueling cycle, but it gets done.
Relationship
The second caregiving theme woven throughout The Lord of the Rings is the power of relationship. After Elrond confirms that Frodo will, indeed, take the ring to Mt. Doom, one of Frodo’s friends from the Shire, Samwise Gamgee, says to Elrond,
“But you won’t send him off alone surely, master?”
To which Elrond replies,
“No indeed. You at least shall go with him.”
Even though Frodo is destined to be the only one to physically carry the ring, his task would not have succeeded without Sam and his dedication, perseverance and love that provided Frodo with a constant light in the growing darkness of their world. Sam kept Frodo fed, kept his spirits up as best as he could, watched him as he slept, protected him from danger, and when Frodo completely was unable to carry the Ring another step up the slopes of Mt. Doom, Sam affirmed:
“Come, Mr. Frodo! I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you and it as well.”
As primary care partners with your loved ones, you experience how your perseverance and love bring a light into the growing darkness of their illness. Whether it is through your hugs, touches, smiles, words, eye contact, reassurance, redirection, listening, or simple presence, your loved ones know that you are there and ready to carry them – regardless of how severe the dementia may have become. While you may not always carry loved ones physically, you certainly lift their spirits by accompanying them through years of loss and decline. Like Frodo, theirs is a weight we cannot take away from them, but, like Sam, we can stay with them until the quest ends. As you do, perhaps you can discover the same hope in the darkness that Sam did. As Tolkien described:
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
Hope can also be found in knowing that once the door of accepting help has been opened in your heart, you can choose to access more support in caring for your loved one. Indeed, after Frodo accepted Sam’s help, the Fellowship of the Ring grew even wider as seven more members of the Council committed themselves to join Frodo in his quest. Each of these companions had roles to play in the success of the Fellowship and his task would not have succeeded without his companions and their own versions of material, emotional and spiritual support.
Becoming open to support in caring for Mom was crucial for us and we took steps like joining a monthly support group, seeking consultation from dementia specialists, opening up about our struggles to friends, asking for help from family, receiving mental health counseling, and reading books and articles about dementia and caregiving topics. It’s often hard to ask for help but, even though your role as primary caregiver can’t be taken from you, asking for support can at least allow the people in your lives can carry you from time to time.
The True Ring of Power
If you are familiar with the Lord of the Rings, then you know how it ends. There on the edge of Mt. Doom, Frodo separates himself from Sam and succumbs to the power of the Ring. Luckily, it is still destroyed and Middle Earth is saved. If you don’t know how all of that happens, well, this is enough of a spoiler already so please read the books. This sequence of Tolkien’s climax to the story seems to tell us that when you disconnect from your supports in the midst of your most difficult moments, then you risk becoming overwhelmed by the weight of the demands on you. This is so true with caring for loved ones with dementia. Keeping connected to relationships with friends, family, professionals, etc., helps you remember the choices you made to walk with your loved ones even if we did not know the way. Those relationships are reminders that these choices to care were made out of love or, if love was not so clear at the start of the journey, then to try discovering it along the way. If you need resources or suggestions in finding caregiving connections you can find them through national and local organizations such as the Alzheimer’s Association and Dementia Society of America. Links to resources such as these can also be found on our website at tomanddonnafinn.com or in our book A Caregiver’s Well-Being: How to Master Stress and Find Balance While Caring for Loved Ones with Dementia. Feeling alone as a caregiver is a frequent experience but it never has to be an end point. Make the choice to reach out and build your caregiving relationships.
In Middle Earth, true power was not in Sauron’s ring. It existed in a circle of fellowship that lifted up and empowered a simple hobbit to stay true to his decision to press on through darkness and bring light to his world. As you continue your epic journey of caring for a loved one with dementia, remember that your choices to love and create your own circles of support can light your way toward growth, balance, and the affirmation of your loved one’s human dignity. Indeed, this is the true Ring of Power.
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